Basting in the wee small hours....dang jet lag. I fell asleep just past 7 PM, have been awake since 2- something.
Doing my best to keep quiet while family sleeps around me, I'm set up in the living room at the front of the house with barely any light while a movie on Netflix and my Bluetooth earbuds keep me company.
Even with bad light I can baste so I am amassing quite a stock pile for joining later.
Words are also hard to find while staying with my brother and his family through the starting of his in home hospice care.
And then when I start to write, like the proverbial flood gates opening, I can't seem to stop the words.
Friends and neighbors are so full of love, dropping by to say hello, while mostly finding him sleeping.
How can this be happening? This can't be real? But it is.
One stitch, then another - turning the fabric edges over paper foundations. The sound of needle and thread pulling through paper as my anchor. Just keep stitching.
It reminds me to keep breathing. He's still here. He's still with us. There is so much love flowing from him.
He is setting the example for all of us. With grace, gratitude, kindness, perseverance and zero self-pity.
He has no regrets - but I do.
I love you so much, Mark.
I can't imagine living the rest of my life without being able to hear your voice, your laughter or seeing your eyes twinkle when you smile.
Time. We've wasted so much time. We've let so much of it go without making it count.
And most of all I'm afraid that in time as I age that I will start to forget all of those times where we did make it count.
It's now 5:50 am as I write this. I think I'll go for a walk.
Bonnie, Love is hard to put into words, but you have done the perfect job. It is so hard to say goodbye to a family member but they will always be there in your heart. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteHaving walked this walk with both of my parents and my beloved husband, I have been holding you and your family and especially Mark in my prayers. Be kind to yourself. You love and that is enough.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, peace and comfort, your friends are here to help hold you up.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you Bonnie, and your family.
ReplyDeleteWords can’t express the sadness I feel for you Bonnie, but just want you to know I am praying for you and your family and sending hugs and prayers for comfort, grace, and a peaceful, love-filled passing over for your beloved brother.
ReplyDeletePrayers for Mark and for all who love him as he travels this road.
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteI lost my brother suddenly 10 days ago. I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare to find it not true. Time is precious and great brothers are rare. My heart goes out to you and yours.
God Bless you and your brother. Hold him tight.
ReplyDeleteMark, you, and all your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you, your family and your brother Mark are in my prayers. You are blessed. Cherish this time. No matter what happens in the future enjoy this precious time. It is a gift to you all. Nothing else matters now.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and Mark and the family.
ReplyDeleteso glad you are able to be there for him now, that's what is important for both of you.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers for Mark,you and your family, dear Bonnie. ❤
ReplyDeleteDear Bonnie, I sit here reading this post as tears flow for you, Mark and his family. It is evident that Mark is a much love man, son, brother, husband, father, grandfather, friend and neighbor. He is a blessing to you all. Praying for this transition that everyone is walking through will be easy. You are much loved.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post puts me right back to 5 years ago exactly when my 47 year old brother was in hospice care.
ReplyDeleteSO many thoughts and feelings to move through. So many special moments.
Sending lots of love to you!
Prayers for you and your family, Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteI lost my 52 year old son this year. My prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs...
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you, your brother and your family. Peace and blessings to all of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs. And strength.
ReplyDeleteOh, Bonnie!! I know your exactly those feelings. I lost two Brothers in 4 months last year. Stitching was my sanity. Even when I felt like I couldn't find any peace. My heart breaks for you. Be strong, so many prayers are being uttered for you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and your family, Bonnie. You will always have your memories and will always cherish them...they will just become even more precious to you now.
ReplyDeletePrayers for peace for you and your family.
All I have to give is hugs and prayers. God’s peace, grace and mercy be with you and your family.
ReplyDelete2 years ago to this month, my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. He was given 3 months to live. He passed away 3 months later in December. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brother and his family. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteLove never dies. Hold his love close to your ❣
ReplyDeletePraying that you feel the peace of God surround you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Bonnie. <3
ReplyDeleteYou have always been so attentive to your family. I think many good memories will come to mind as pain and grief subside.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you and your family as you all make this difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteSorry.
ReplyDeleteI so understand where you're at...I lost my brother of the same illness. Thank goodness you're full of love & will have wonderful lasting memories.
ReplyDeleteThinking you you and your family, Bonnie. Wishing that your hearts will be full of happy memories. Love to all.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Losing a loved one is never easy, especially when they are so young. I'm so glad you are able to spend time with him and the family now. Sending much love and hugs from Middle Tennessee.
ReplyDeleteSo glad that you are there now, right where you need to be, to share this precious time together. It will be stitched into the memories...
ReplyDeleteHug and prayers for Mark, you and your family!!
ReplyDeleteBonnie, my heart is bleeding for you. Just know you are loved, not because of this Quiltville, but because of my learning about your heart and your compassion. You will remember your brother and all the important times that will be in your memory. And they will come forward when something makes you think of him. A fleeting thought will come, believe me please.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you, Mark and your family. So glad you were able to get there when you needed to be.
ReplyDeleteThoughts & prayers you you & Mark's family as you follow this journey with him.
ReplyDeletePrayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Bonnie, your words have so touched me. I am glad that you are there with your brother and his family. That you are able to take time now and can speak to him and give him your love. I wish for you strength and comfort.
ReplyDeleteI know your brother Mark feels your love. Praying for peace and love for you, Mark and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to post. You are amazing. Sending tons of warm hugs, love and prayers for comfort and peace for you and the family. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, thank you for sharing your heart with us. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteJudy
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We lost our beloved 32 year old grandson to an accident a month ago. He left a pregnant wife & two little girls. I'm trying to stay strong, but it's hard at times. Life is so not fair at times, but I believe he's in Heaven wondering what all the fuss is about!
ReplyDeleteKeeping you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, so much love to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I benefit from your wisdom every day
ReplyDeletePraying for you Bonnie and your whole family during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteFive months ago I was bedside as my sister fought her final fight after nine years. She did it with such grace and fortitude. She taught me a valuable lesson about valuing life and family. My thoughts are with you and your family Bonnie. Remember the good times and find the joy, however hard that seems.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could have said/written those same exact sentiments to my recently departed husband. God will make things better again but we never forget. sendin love
ReplyDeleteYou have been "lifted" by so many beautiful "Comments" here. Sending hugs and thoughts of comfort to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Bonnie, my heart aches for you as I understand exactly what you and your family is going through. I was there, as you are now, with my sister in her last few weeks. That was almost 5 years ago. You will remember so many wonderful memories as you cry and laugh with your family in the future, the pain lessens but never really goes away. My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
ReplyDeletePrayers and love.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for your family. A few years ago I unexpectedly lost 3 of my younger brothers within several months, each from a different illness. One was my favorite 'baby' brother, age 47. I never had a chance to say "Goodbye, I love you." So, savor this time with your brother. My husband watched me grieve. Finally, he said, pack your bag, we are goning on a trip. Knowing how quilting soothes my soul, he took me to Paducah. I was rejuvenated after that trip. The sadness had finally dissipated and only our happy memories were left. Prayers to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteWow, Linda, you definitely have a husband who "gets you". My heart grieves for you... unimaginable to lose 3 brothers all within such a short span of time. It must have been crushing. I'm glad you have happy memories of all of them.
Delete~Diana K
Sending up prayers for peace and comfort for all of you. Wallow in the love around you and absorb it for future times. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteWe will keep you in our thoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteYou can't change time. You can't beat yourself up for something you now cannot change. You are there now, so spend the time you have with him. If we could make it so, we would spend all of our time with everyone we love but we can't. My big brother died in a motorcycle accident 11 years ago. I wish I could have had the chance you have now ... to spend some time and tell him all the things we never got around to and won't have the chance to say in the future. I'm sure he is feeling the same. I'm so sorry that you all have to go through this. It's not easy. It'll never get easy. Hugs to you and your family.
ReplyDeletePrayers for peace to you and your family, Bonnie. Losing someone we love is hard ... impossible to understand at times ... God has a plan for you both and in His loving wisdom He will show you the path to acceptance. God bless you all. Linda
ReplyDeletei dont have words for you but prayers and hugs being sent.
ReplyDeleteSending Love to your family. So glad you made it there. You are special to so many and we grieve with you
ReplyDeleteBonnie, write those times you're afraid you'll forget. Then you won't forget them. Sending good vibes for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteI too do not have the magic words to make you feel better.....but that picture of the three of you as kids says it all. You all were "beautiful" and it is apparent that you liked each other. That's a great memory and a blessed one. Not all have that good memory. I pray for strength to get thru your days and nights. Joyce Skinner
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you and your family, Bonnie. Wishing you peace from above as you take one stitch at a time. Truly, there is nothing like grief to re-orient what is important in our short, fleeting lives.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your grief. I'm hoping the writing is an outlet and comfort. I'm sure the comments will be a help one day. Hugs.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family....love is eternal..Limda(Loretta)
ReplyDeleteBonnie. You won't forget. Prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of 1 Cor. 13:13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. I lost a brother about a year ago. It's hard and we can be tough on ourselves for not being more for them. We're humans living in a broken world, you're there for him and that is LOVE!
ReplyDeleteAmen, Family Hamann. Amen.
DeleteI am glad that you are with your family. They need you and you them.
ReplyDeleteYour other family, all of us, will help hold you up.
Praying for your whole family as you walk through this dark valley.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me Bonnie those good memories will not fade, they will be the thing that gets you through. I have been where you are twice, when I lost my husband and last year when lost my beautiful daughter, and I am so thankful for the memories. We always regret what we didn't do, but focus on the things you did together. May God's peace and comfort surround all of you in the coming days and hours.
ReplyDeleteBe brave! Your memories will get you through this. He is doing the best he can at this time.
ReplyDeleteI a dealing with my hubby dying from lung cancer.
My heart goes out to you Bonnie and all of you travelling this road. It's not an easy one but our loved ones know they are loved and there is nothing better in this world than to know that your loved deeply. Don't have regrets we all do the best we can and I'm assured (ask me how I know) as the end nears it's the good memories that are uppermost in our hearts and minds. God Bless you and mark Bonnie. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteBonnie, God will take care of you and all your family. When my dad passed suddenly, there were no goodbyes, just knowing and accepting that God wanted my dad to rest as he does your brother now.
ReplyDeleteBonnie I know what you mean by this can,t be happening ,i felt the same way thinking this is not real it,s a nightmare ,but it goes on and on till the end comes ,I pray for you all to be strong the Lord won,t give us more then we can,t handle. hard sad times, stay strong Bonnie an Angle is coming into your life forever
ReplyDeleteHolding you and your family close in my heart. Peace
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers for you and your family
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how that feels because I went through it myself with my sister. My heart goes out to you and I"ll admit I cried as I read your post. You have some challenging times ahead of you but you will make it through this.
ReplyDeleteMy sister lost her battle with cancer 10 years ago now. I now take every opportunity to tell my family and friends what they mean to me. There is still not a day that passes that I don't think of her. The only difference is now I remember her with a smile instead of tears. I'll always miss her.
Crying with you Bonnie. You and your family are in my prayers, especially for your brother Mark. Hugs and Love.
ReplyDeleteWe have all been in your shoes, I think. I was just thinking the same thoughts ..... it's age, I think. I send you love, peace and prayers. Nancy P
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI hope your brother has a smooth transition and that you and your family can find strength in your shared love.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had magic words that would allow you to go through the grief without the tears and pain. I don't no one does.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs, prayers and white light to you and Mark. My thoughts are with you
ReplyDeleteno words to share, but don't choose to ignore, we all care about you and yours
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are going through as my father passed 30 days ago. Don't grieve now for things lost. Just hold him lovingly now while you can touch him. Prayers for your family. It's okay. He is going to a place of beauty and no pain. He will be smiling down on you and watching over you until you meet again.
ReplyDeleteLove hugs and prayers for you and your family Mark is a luck man to be surrounded by so much love xxx
ReplyDeleteDear Bonnie, while no loss is the same as another, I have experienced many of the same feelings, losing a sister 15 years ago. (How can it be 15 years? At the time I couldn't imagine going a day without hearing her voice. But we trudged on, because we had to.) And I would like to offer this, only as my experience. Yes, I have forgotten many ordinary moments that I wish I could remember in exact detail. But a day has never passed without thinking of her--frankly, without me talking to her, often aloud. I sometimes feel as if we are welded together now. I will never lose what was most essential. Is it good enough? No. But it is what matters most about her, and it helps sustain me, until we are together again.
ReplyDeletePrayers and love to you... You won't forget. You'll likely remember more as time goes by. I miss my mother more every day; it's been 11 years.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you, Mark and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this time you have with Mark is very precious. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove is everything, it carries us over until we meet again. Thoughts with you and the family. xxx
ReplyDeleteHugs and love to you all.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, my thoughts are with you. I lost my beloved sister to evil cancer 22 years ago and miss her every day. What you and your family are going through sucks. You will get through this. I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend with my sister. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you will not forget. It is so surprising that those small moments will become such treasured memories and pop up at the most unexpected times. It has been 5 years for me and the hurt has not lessened or gone away. I can push it to the back more and laugh at those silly times more, but I will never forget. You are loved by so many friends you haven't met. We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThe transition of a loved one onto hospice requires so much inner adjustment. Writing about the emotions is a healthy thing and we are all here to send you our love and support. Keep an ooen door so all Mark's loved ones can visit any time. Take your cues from him....there are parts of tjis final journey that he must work through alone and other parts which require loving presence.
ReplyDeleteNone of this is easy. I am praying for you and your family at this difficult painful time. We love you Bonnie!
Prayers for you and your family during this difficult time. I share your sentiments. My dad has Stage IV Melanoma and is fighting for his life. Reflecting on our time together and lost moments.
ReplyDeletePrayers for all of you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel you are strong and will be the support of the whole family.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers to you, your brother and those surrounding your brother. So glad you are there. Life isn’t easy, but love will see us through.
ReplyDeleteremember the past is over and cannot be changed. so treasure the good times and know that you are never alone. that you are surrounded by love
ReplyDeleteHugging you through tears and praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteOh Bonnie...I feel for you as I walk in your shoes myself. My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his bladder and spine on the 16th of June. Not a full month later my husband unexpectedly passed in his sleep on Friday the 13th. This has been a rough couple of months. But know that the lord is walking with you and will help give you peace as you go through this time of sorrow. You will NEVER forget your brother or the good times you had together. The memories seem to get stronger rather than fade. I lost my mom July 2014 and her memories are just as strong now as they were when she passed. I spent the last 11 days of her life by her side in ICU before she passed so I really feel your pain sitting there with him. May God bless you and comfort you during this time.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and your family during this journey you are all taking with your brother. Find comfort in your memories and that you are able to be with him now when it matters the most. You are fortunate that you get the chance to say the things to him we all wish we could have when we lose someone we love suddenly. I lost my Dad 20 years ago in a car accident and I still grieve for him, and it breaks my heart to this day not being able to tell him how very much I loved him, or to hold his hand as he left us. God bless you and comfort you in the days ahead.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and all of your family....
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting us grieve with you...praying...God is good.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family. I hope all the love we are sending helps you find strength through these days. Hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteno pat answers to what is unexplainable down here, Just know you and your family are in our prayers! We love you!
ReplyDeleteI know these feelings well and share your grief. I lost my wonderful husband of 36 years just 10 months ago. Your words touch my heart and the tears flow again. I pray for you and your family. God's grace will help you through this.
ReplyDeleteLookit all these words coming to comfort you and family. Just as we shared the streets of London, we are walking this journey with you... Mark's angels and yours, those of the family are with you, surrounding you with love and peace and gratitude, whispering words of love to all. Listen. Stitching helps too, Cats frm Carlsbad CA
ReplyDeletePraying for comfort for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and prayers for comfort and peace.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family, Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteBlessings on your one last time with your brother. Hugs and prayers for all of you.
ReplyDeleteI cried reading your post today as I lost a brother named Mark also in 2012.......he was the youngest of our family of 11.......so hard to say goodbye.......angels are all around your brother Mark and your family at this time.....survivor972002@midco.net
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you Bonnie. You will always have your memories. I lost my husband 20 months ago. Prayers for you and your family. All of us are here for you.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, my heart hurts for you, knowing what you and your family are feeling. I lost my son 20 years ago, he was 18, but remember that feeling of helplessness and longing for time to stand still or go back. You have my prayers and love!!
ReplyDeleteMany Hugs and Prayers are coming your way for you and your whole family! Love conquers all!
ReplyDeleteDonna
Kasilof, AK
Prayers for you and your family......I experienced this 7 years ago. My brother was my only sibling, and my "little" brother....There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and miss him. Much love to you, dear Bonnie...
ReplyDeleteOh Bonnie........there really are no words that will ease the pain you are going through at the moment. All I can say is to cherish the time you have now with Mark. Tell stories of your youth, giggle over the silly times you had together, remember the adventures, get out the old photo album and laugh at yourselves. The words stay strong mean nothing at times like this. Just remember to BREATHE. Know that you are ALL in our thoughts and prayers. Know that we are here holding you all in our hearts and holding all of you dear. Needle to fabric and rest when you can. Sending all gentle hugs and peaceful prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy family's prayers are with you as you face this time. Spend what time you can with Mark and your family. I know that loss is never easy. My son passed unexpectedly in May. Keep in touch when you can and when you feel able to. The memories will always be there in your heart. God bless you all
ReplyDeleteI lost my youngest brother at 44 - nearly 16 years ago. The good times, the times that mattered are uppermost - the memories grow stronger. I miss him so much, that sweet brother of mine.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and your family. You will not forget the love..that's what is important. Take care of yourself too Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteI've been down this road with a cherished friend many many years ago. This is the hard part. You will always remember the good times and with time the pain will lessen just a bit. You are loved and cherished Bonnie Hunter.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you Bonnie. So sorry you are going through this. We all love you.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and your family at this very, very difficult time in your life Bonnie. Sending you ((((((virtual hugs)))))).
ReplyDeleteI've been down this road also. Enjoy every second you are with him even if he's sleeping, you'll be glad you did. And just remember, he will always be with you. You and your family are in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePeace be with you.
I am praying for you, your dear brother Mark and your family as you go through this difficult and yet precious period when you have the opportunity to say the things you want and need to say to Mark. Know that you will see him again, and on that wonderful day, there will be no more tears, and no more illness, only indescribable love and joy, for eternity. I lost my beloved husband 6 years ago and I rest on God's promise.
ReplyDeleteBonnie, just love him through this. Mom spent her last two weeks visiting with friends and family and ensuring we would be okay while assuring us we would be with her again and that she was ready to be with dad. We didn't even feel the need for a formal visitation after she died because every one she wanted to see visited and loved on her up until the hour she died. (((Hugs))) and prayers....
ReplyDeleteBonnie, stay by his side. Do what you can for him. In the end, it will help you deal with your pain. As you care for him, you will grieve, but this will be good. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Mark, and your family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart and prayers are with you. Cherish every second. Your brother will always be your heart. We never want to say goodbye but we are not in charge, even with a nasty disease. Bless your family too Bonnie--take care
ReplyDeleteyou and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSuch a difficult time for your family. I am glad you have the ability to spend time with him to comfort him with your presence. Bless you
ReplyDeleteI'm praying that you and your family find peace and comfort through this difficult time. When I see that your blog hasn't been updated it just reminds me to pray that Mark isn't suffering and for God to wrap his loving arms around all of you. I'm so glad that you can be there with him. <3
ReplyDeleteI know you probably won't have time to read all these comments, but just wanted to share that my heart is with you. Tears come to my eyes as you share your heart. It is such a tough time, letting our loved ones go. I'm thankful you are able to spend some time with your brother. It means a lot to him, and to you. Praying for you and the whole family. May the Lord bring peace to your heart, and comfort to all those Mark leaves behind.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and all of your family.
ReplyDeleteSo tender, Bonnie.
ReplyDeleteOh Bonnie, you’ve expressed your thoughts and emotions so beautifully...take care.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone, anyone, you love is going through this and you are there to witness it, it changes you. You become, more thoughtful, understanding, and these things do not stop - you have grown, changed. You won't loose your memories, do not beat yourself up with the "should have's", you did the best you could and you are there now. And like you said, you were both busy, no blame for either of you! Life is ment to be lived and it sounds like you both have done this. I am glad you are keeping busy, your stitching is giving you peace, it always does I think. Huge hugs Bonnie, for you and yours.
ReplyDelete