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Monday, June 02, 2008

In Remembrance...


Some Days are harder than others. Some years this day goes by without much tugging on my heart, but this year the tugging is quite strong. and here I was just telling a friend about how well I was doing, considering what day it is. I think that planted the thought in my head, and it has stewed..just like a song that keeps playing over and over, when you don't want it there.

26 years ago today my daughter Heather was born. She had severe complications, and spent the short 2 1/2 weeks of her little life in the NICU. We never got to bring her home. I was a young mother then, only 20 years old. But life has a way of teaching us valuable lessons, even at an early age.



Today I am missing her very much. My friend Randy told me how she used to light Yahrzeit candles to remember her brother, and I have a candle burning today in remembrance of my sweet angel. The writing on the candle holder means "in remembrance".




Funny, if she had lived she would be 26, heading up to 30,but forever in my mind she is a little 6 pound bundle of wonder even with all she had to bear in such a short time. I learned what it was like to feel life growing within my womb with her. She was the first one who grew beneath my heart. That will always be special to me. I have memories of the wonder I felt at her little hiccups before she was born, all the movements and flutters across my belly. I remember her. I love her. I miss her.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl..
Mama.

70 comments:

  1. Hugs to you and your family.

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  2. Oh Bonnie - hugs to you! I wish I were there to hug you in person. I know she is proud of the person you are today.

    Susan in Burnsville

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  3. My heart is crying with yours.
    XOXOXOXO Subee

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  4. No mother should ever have to lose a child, I am sure your angel girl is looking over you and one day you will be reunited. What a nice tribute to her. Quilty hugs.

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  5. I'm so sorry - my heart hurts with you and my prayers are being lifted up for you today.

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  6. Oh Bonnie -- I'm so sorry! This made me cry for you... We all feel for you and are keeping you in our thoughts.

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  7. Uh. You tear at my heart strings. What a wonderful note to share so that we might all bear witness and share and love.

    *karendianne.

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  8. prayers for comfort, bonnie.

    tracey

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  9. Anonymous6:03 PM EDT

    I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child - it's a nightmare that terrifies me.

    Thoughts and prayers are with you today.

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  10. I'm saying a prayer for Heather too. I'm sure she knows how much she is loved.

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  11. Oh, Bonnie, my heart hurts for you. Hugs to you and your family.

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  12. Hi Bonnie, my heart goes out to you this day and lots of quilty hugs for you.
    I am on the other side of the world waiting for my first to have her first due 2nd June. I am in Sydney, Australia and she is in London, England.
    My prayers are with you as you continue to grieve
    Sue

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  13. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. How difficult for you.

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  14. I'm so sorry for your loss Bonnie.

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  15. Oh Bonnie what a beautiful post - and a wonderful tribute to your "first child that grew beneath your heart" I love that! Thanks for sharing! ~bonnie

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  16. it cut off before I was done...

    I meant to end with - thanks for sharing such a private part of your life with all of us. We love you! ~bonnie

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  17. I know your pain, it's so hard to give one up, but I am sure God had specisl plans for her. Those thought are with me every May 26th. Our first Grandson would be 26 now but still seems like yesterday. Prayers for you and hubby. Bobbin

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  18. "...May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung,
    May you stay forever young..."
    So sorry for your loss, Bonnie.

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  19. Oh my, I am so sorry you have had to bear this sadness. It never goes away, does it? Hurts to remember, hurts to not remember.

    Thank you for your courage to tell us.

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  20. Big hugs, Bonnie.
    Heather is looking down from above and you will quilt together some day.
    Marilyn

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  21. Oh, Bonnie, my heart hurts for you.

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  22. Thank you for sharing Bonnie. I wish you lots of strenght.

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  23. Bonnie, I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  24. My son has been gone for almost 27 years and I still miss him. He lived for almost 17 years before his birth defects took him. Sometimes, I look at me tall, healthy son and hope that his brother is tucked in a corner in there relishing in his good health. A mother can dream.

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  25. I am sorry for the loss of your princess, Bonnie. Hugs to you.

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  26. Bonnie, your daughter is looking down on you and knowing you loved her. Every quilt you have done carries a part of her and she knows it. Thank you for sharing that with us.

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  27. Avec toute mon amitié ... Je pense à vous deux ...

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  28. Bonnie,
    A mother's love lives on and on- as long as you remember Heather - shes will live in the hearts and minds of you and your loved ones-
    It is true of all the people that we love that are gone- none harder to lose than a precious child.
    It is a loving tribute you have written to the first child that grew beneath your heart.
    Regards,
    Anna

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  29. My thoughts are with you today Bonnie.
    I also like to burn candles for the ones I have lost, the light brings you comfort.

    Hugs

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  30. God bless you and your baby girl, Bonnie!
    Fondly - Lurline/Australia.

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  31. I lost my son Evan just six weeks ago in the same manner. Your post really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.

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  32. Reading this as a mother, my heart just breaks. You are very brave, I can't imagine your pain, it makes me cry just thinking of such an enormous loss.

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  33. Hugs to you Bonnie,
    My heart goes out to you on this sad day.
    Julia / Australia

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  34. Thank you for sharing your sweet remembrance.

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  35. You're so strong and brave to share your heart in this public place. I can't even begin to understand your pain. God has blessed you with such strength and courage, you're the loving and generous woman that you are today because of this precious child! I am deeply grateful.

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  36. Bonnie, my heart goes out to you, to have endured so much pain, and yet you offer us so much beauty and encouragement every day.

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  37. Hugs Bonnie, big squooshy hugs.

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  38. Dear Bonnie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. My "baby" son, born when I was 37 years old, was born June 10th 1982 and will just be 26 soon. We must have been carrying our babies at the same time. I had had a miscarriage just before Andy and I remember the sorrow, but to have a little baby alive who died must be so heartbreaking. You are in my heart today.

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  39. Gosh Bonnie, my heart goes out to you hon. How lucky little Heather is to have you as her Mum, she will always be loved and never forgotten.
    *hugs*
    Tazzie

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  40. You chose a beautiful name for your daughter. Even after many years, the loss can come flooding back.
    You are in my thoughts today.

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  41. Take heart in how proud she would have been of you. I have no doubt that somehow she knows just how much you love being her Mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Bonnie.
    Regina in MI

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  42. My heart goes out to you, Bonnie.

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  43. I came on the site this morning to see if part 6 of OC was posted and then as always I read your blog.
    I'm sitting here crying for you. What a beautiful way to remember the first child 'beneath your heart'. My prayers will be with you this day and I also will burn a candle for your little Heather. As others have said, she is watching from heaven and is proud of the mother you have been to her brothers. God bless you and yours Bonnie on this special day.
    (((Hugs))) Fran

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  44. Oh, dear Bonnie. What a tough day for you, and we all hold you close in our hearts. I had a dear friend who lost a baby shortly after birth. I was the only person who save him in the NICU besides his parents, and he was so tiny, he would have fit in the palm of my hand. I'm sure that God holds Heather gently, with her tiny fingers wrapped around His finger. Bless you.

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  45. Bonnie, I am sorry you had to experience that loss. But you know, I have always wondered at your energy and exhuberance with quilting and I can't help but think that the explanation is a little guardian angel all these years saying, "Try this, Mom...Hey!! How about this one, Mom."
    Lori in VA

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  46. I know exactly how you feel. My first child (only son) was born 3 months too early and passed away at birth. I only got to hold him for a few minutes. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. Like yourself, I honor my firsborn son's memory in my heart and every October 14th.

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  47. Praying for you on this hard day Bonnie. God bless you.

    Hugs,
    Tracy

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  48. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Renée

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  49. I can so relate and feel your pain as a mother. My first born was stillborn at full term. A boy and he would have turned 21 this past Sat. We just can't help but remember our babies. I understand. God bless you.
    Diana

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  50. This made me cry. I lost three, all in the first trimester. My heart goes out to you, Bonnie.

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  51. Oh Bonnie, don't fight it. It's good to spend a day to focus on Heather (and the Bonnie of then and now). Such a time of hope and sadness must have impacted your life in all sorts of ways. You are always so positive and forward-looking and yet you have carried this with you all the time. It's a good thing to pause and reflect and it honours her. I am typing this through tears but I am so grateful that you told us about her. Thank you.

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  52. You brought a tear or two to my eye...I just recently lost my son at 14 weeks gestation. (((Hugs)))

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  53. Bonnie, I'm so sorry for your loss of baby Heather. I cannot imagine how this would feel...it has always been my fear...losing a child. Thanks for sharing your story. You're in my prayers.

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  54. Bonnie, I don't know how to express my deep sorrow for you. Our first grandson would have been 23 in May, that was the hardest day of my life. Loosing our grandson ( full term stillbirth) then trying to console our son ( his father) was overwhelming. Our son, kept saying he's dead Momma, help me , and I couldn't....Never have I been so devastated...
    I'm so very sorry for you,God is with you and His plan for Heather has got to be awesome.....Bobbin

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  55. My heart is with you Bonnie.

    Quilting hugs -

    Hayley

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  56. Bonnie - what a heartfelt story. Thanks for sharing.

    Yes, Happy Birthday Heather.

    Hugs - Purple Pam

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  57. We have 2 angels as well and I know exactly how you feel. We lost them both before we finally were given our son Alden who is 18 months old now. These days are hard. Thinking of you. Amy

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  58. My mom lost her first born daughter, Judy, after only 36 very brief hours. I remember mom's grief and sadness as my sister and I were growing up, along with her spirit and determination that every day was special and nothing should ever be taken for granted.

    There's so much more to each of us than most folks ever know... take care and know that many, many prayers are with you.

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  59. There are no words that will take the pain away. Just know that there are many of us who will say a silent prayer for you to have the needed strength to get through each year, particularly on the "special" day. God Bless!!!

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  60. Bonnie - My heart goes out to you. Our son would have been 11 years old on February 28th. Time goes by but it never seems to get any easier. Thank you for sharing your story. You are in my thoughts.

    Angie - TN

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  61. (((Bonnie))) I am a mom of three angel babies and three here on earth as well. Sometimes I think I am the only one who remembers, but that makes me especially blessed to be the one who was touched by their precious lives.

    Hugs to you in loving memory of Heather.

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  62. I'm so sorry. God love you. I'll pray for your heart. I know you'll be with her soon, but it doesn't make it easier.

    God bless you. I'm just so sorry for your sadness.

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  63. Hugs to you and your family Bonnie. Every year in September we remember our son who was stillborn.......... he would be 16 this fall. I often wonder what type of young man he would be.

    God Bless you :O)
    Nancy

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  64. I completely understand your loss...my son, Gus, passed away May 31, 2006. He was 16 mos and was awaiting a liver/small bowel transplant. I, like you, realize how special and fortunate I am to have met him. I know it's a few days past now, but do know that I'm thinking of you...

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  65. Hugs to you Bonnie. My Dad always puts daffadils on my baby sisters grave every Memorial Day. A parents loss is great.
    -Evelyn

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  66. Oh Bonnie! My heart still aches today! I'm sure Heather aches to see your pain, too. I can't wait to be with her again in the eternities, to be all together as a family! I know she's every bit as loving and spunky as you--my heart tells me so! Lots of love to you, big Sis!

    Love,
    Joy

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  67. Anonymous6:11 AM EDT

    my heart goes out to you and your family

    lots of quilting hugs
    Christine Australia

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  68. bonnie, you made me remember the joy of carrying a child, under your heart, forever in your mind. Little Heather will be waiting for you & her dad - I firmly believe.
    Judi in Ohio

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