Thanks for all the posts. I have many to reply to. I'm sure many of us have this "When did I sign up for THIS??" moment during our child rearing. I don't think anything can take you down and make you more humble than watching your child make all those wrong choices.
It's just consumed me to the point where I can't quilt....I know I SHOULD be piecing because that is when my mind is free to work out life's little problems....I have until July 2nd to get a lot of stuff done. I need to kit up a couple of tops and take them to Oregon with me so I can turn them out while sewing with friends the week of the Sister's Show.
I am so excited....4 friends from Wisconsin are joining us. They've never been to Sisters...
We all met at a retreat I taught at in Madison last November, and we had SUCH a great time, my friend Randy invited them all to come sew with us! and YAY they are ALL coming. It's going to be a fun reunion.
So I am setting my sights on that. As for the kid....I'll be here when he has questions. But I refuse to take any verbal abuse or disrespect. I'm done tiptoing and pussy-footing around in an effort not to do anything that will tick him off...This second half of my life is supposed to be the BEST half. I wouldn't let a stranger on the street talk to me the way he has.
I know I can not change his behavior. But I don't have to allow him to dish it out to me either. No more excuses.
I love funny cat pics....they make me smile! This one did this morning because it reminded me of where I wanted to put my head yesterday. But today is a new day!!!
So..here is what I've been working on during my flights and layovers :c)I honestly thought I'd get farther on it this last trip than I did....but I just didn't. It was so nice outside that I spent my time walking the Des Plaines River Trails and getting eaten alive by gigantic mosquitoes! But it really was nice to enjoy the greenbelt area. It was fabulous! If you ever get to Libertyville, IL, check it out!
I marked the angles on the border with a hera marker, starting in the center of each border, and used an equilateral triangle as my guide. Then I am quilting on that crease, and echoing on the inside of each triangle.
I know this is one of those borders where a judge would say "the border is quilted much more than the center" and knock me down for it. I don't care. I love the texture this echo quilting is giving it. Besides. It's MY quilt, right? I just know I'm loving the texture more and more with every stitch I take into it.
Again, thanks to ALL for listening and commiserating with me. I've been told I was brave for posting about my troubles. I guess it is like showing your imperfections to the world, but you know what? When no one else was here to listen to me in person, YOU did. And I know I'm not alone. That is an amazing feeling. When I feel like I can't go on with just my own strength alone, you lifted me with your stories, your words, your encouragement and it means A LOT to me.
Today IS a new day, I better get on with it!
34 comments:
Amen, sister!
BTW...I have the pleasure of attending a couple of your workshops in Indiana this August. Woo hoo!
What a fantastic quilt, Bon! I believe it to be your finest effort ever. And I hope it is a present for me -- Philadelphia being the City of Brotherly/Sisterly Love!
I love that cat picture! There are more days than I care to admit that I'd like to do that! LOL And all I can say about your son is just hang in there. You can only do so much and then they make their own choices...right, wrong or otherwise. It certainly is frustrating but you can't beat yourself up over it.
For whatever it is worth - they do finally get to "the other side" [mine is now 34] but there were many, many sleepless nights before that (and still a few, even now). Boy - in that 'How to be a mother' book I don't remember reading about all of this - and for the rest of our lives. ;-)
It will get better and you will survive!
Nana Marne
Good for you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself, and keeping on keepin' on! I am always amazed by my ability to see things more clearly in the morning, and for everything to seem more manageable with a good night's sleep under my belt (because regardless of what is happening in my life, I can ALWAYS sleep at night!). I love the border, and I'm glad you shared how you did it. I'll be trying that myself on a quilt in the near future.
One day at a time...
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right?
Remember this is a person you will have a relationship with the rest of your life. I'm glad to hear you are gonna change the way you allow him to treat you. You only have control of yourself and your behavior.
Keep praying for him.
Happy sewing
Hang in there, Mom. It will be ok.
Hugs
The potted kitty is adorable! I love your blog and website!
Um, have you given any thought that your son may be depressed? Do you or your husband have a family history of depression? My brother- in-law had a terrible time focusing on one thing. He could rarely hold a job for any longer then 6 months if that. It might be worth looking into. A lot of mental illnesses don't show up for boys until after the age of 16. For girls it often doesn't show up until they give birth to there first child. My brother-in-law was eventually diagnoised with bi-polar disorder and mild schizophrenia but with the right counseling and medication it can be somewhat controlled. It is a disease that you must go day by day with, you never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day. It is one day at a time, and can be very exhasting. Please give it some thought and perhaps research it.It might just be the answer you have needed to find. Good Luck. Compassion and understanding being sent your way. :0)
You're not alone, not by a long shot!
"Here I am God, warts and all"!
?When no one else was here to listen to me in person, YOU did. And I know I'm not alone."
I have found my online/blog friends to fill that void for me as well. We "found" each other via some rough times in my world. . . we are kindred spirits.
Hang in there Bonnie. Hold your head high! No one can take from you anything you aren't willing to give them.
And, find your way back to you - quilting and creative - and inner peace will come.
(O.k., now for ME to live by those words!)
The thing is you're not alone ... someone somewhere has gone through or going through almost the same situation. You need a shoulder to lean on even if it's a stranger.
My T&P's are with you ... 24/7.
Just when my husband and I were going through some hard teenage times with our oldest daughter, I read in my daily meditation book called In Conversation With God that no good artist creates a painting without shadows in it. So if you think of your life, or your child's, as a marvelous painting-in-progress, times like these are the shadows. They make the rest of the painting even more beautiful. It helped us get through a very hard time, and now we are all reaping the benefits.
You will look back on this and realize the shadows were necessary to make the painting as beautiful as it could be.
Don't give up!
MGM
Bonnie - I can relate to everything you said in today's post...about the kids and the quilting. You just never think when you hold that beautiful baby in your arms that they could ever be so mean and disrespectful one day!
I just keep my sights on the future, hope it is just a "phase" and not who they will really be, set my boundaries, outline the consequences, and quilt my troubles away! It sure zaps the energy though to deal with it all. Take good care of yourself and keep quilting!
I am glad you feel comfortable enought with us to let us in on the bumps you are having - and kids, yeah, they can cause alot of bumps...... I am glad that you are not going to let him talk to you with any type of disrespect. That is a hard one because their words can cut you to the bone and you think "Did I really do that??" and start questioning what you've done to create this situation.
You did what you did out of love, every step of the way - and he's lashing out at you to make you defensive so he doesn't have to talk...... I am glad you are saying "Enough!"
Today is a new day!!
I like your 'love' quilt - and yes, it's yours - quilt it the way you want!!!
And I think the walk in the Des Plaines River Trails was a great thing!! Mosquitos and all - sometimes you just have to get outside and breathe in that scenery, air and the life around you!! Then you can put your energies back into the quilting you love - you have to re-charge your batteries to keep on going!! And the upcoming quilt show sounds like another time to get inspired and re-energized!! Huge hugs to you. Make the best of today, and do it again tomorrow - we are here to help and support you. Always.
I sounds like you're working your way through it and have the right attitude. *hugs*
Love your quilt!
Hi, Bonnie. You don't know me, but I've been reading your website for a year and have just started following your blog. I'm new to raising a kid (adopting an 11yo) and the thing the therapist keeps telling me is that I can't control the outcome. All I can do is my best every day and what will happen later is what will happen. That includes taking care of myself every day and not letting my child be mean to me is part of that. Don't take it. Hang in there. Stand up for yourself. You'll be happier in the long run if you do. Good luck. Lane
The "cat" tells it all doesn't it!
I think we have all felt that way at times! Too Cute!
The quilt is turning out wonderful! The colors are really great. Getting me to thinking along those lines too! Maybe a blessing's quilt. With words of things that I'm thankful for in the centers.
Lucky you.... if you come across a Cheryl Blake up at Sisters... tell her hi from her SIL Jean!
Have fun!
Your love quilt is fanstastic! I will be at the Sisters Show too. I've got a couple of classes with Gwen Marston and I'm going to the Quilters- The musical show and the Gee's Bend lecture. Though I live in Bend I'll be in Sisters for 7 days in a row what with all the activities. Maybe we'll run into each other!
Bonnie,
As the mother of 3 adoptive children, who came to me with their personalities already established, I have been through what you are going through and more. At some point you just have to come to terms with the idea that although what DS has chosen to do with his life is not the choice you would make, you have done all you can to guide him and, as an adult, HE is responsible for his own choices (good or bad) and has to accept the consequences for said choices.Once my children became adults and felt they did not have to listen to my rules or speak to me in a respectable way, I interpreted that to mean they felt they were ready to take care of their own food, clothing and shelter and stuck to it. Life at home for DH and I became much nicer from the day they left. Loving someone does not mean you must accept behavior that is demeaning or hurtful and I hope you are able to find a way to remember that DS will always be some one you care about, but that maybe he needs to take care of himself to find out some of the things he needs to learn yet in life. You (and he) are in my thoughts.
I'm with you Bonnie. I don't let anyone hurt me or speak rudely to me....NO ONE!!! It took me years to learn this and make it my habit. This goes for family and strangers alike. I say, excuse me, you have mistaken me for someone you can abuse....that is not me and I walk away or hang up. I only wish I had learned to do this 25 years ago.
Big Hugs and Smiles to you. He will find his way or he won't....but all that matters is that you set him on the right track, from there....it is his choice.
Kelly
Oh those darn kids! Brats all of them, but how we love them. The best advice I can give you for your situation and it's one I tell myself all the time is..YOU DON'T OWN THAT PROBLEM, HE DOES...Put it in a bubble and blow it away. Kids do a good job of making you feel guilty don't they? I have 3 boys and they never turn out how you want. Take care and happy quilting! Kathy xo
Tough love- hard to do but sooooo worth it!!!
Bonnie - Hang in there. I think someone above said something to the effect that you don't own your kids problems, they do and I agree. My youngest got involved in drugs and ended up in rehab. The best thing I learned from all of that is that she is responsible for herself, I can't "fix" the issues that led her to use. Five years later, she's a senior in college, doing an internship this summer and sober. I'm praying your son finds his way and you find peace. Thanks for being strong enough to talk about the tough times. You aren't alone.
I'll be at Sister's too, staying with a friend at Black Butte Ranch. I'm taking a journal making class on Monday. Have a great time with your friends!
Diane
You've got a great outlook on the whole situation! We parents are in this together and they don't come with manuals! (they should though) Parents can't be doormats either. You and yours will remain in my thoughts and prayers! Love the quilt too btw! Have a great week!
excellent!
Bonnie,
It's significant that you are quilting a quilt with the word "Love". Just keep reminding yourself about all of the years that you brought your son up and all of the values that you taught him. Those mean a lot, and even though he isn't taking the road that is the most direct, he's got your family map to guide him. It will get better. Hang in there and quilt, quilt, quilt. It will make you feel better. Thank you for your generosity of spirit in all that you share with us!
Bonnie, I can really 'feel for you' with the children issue. Please tell Randi hello and i hope to see you both very soon.
I too can identify with that cat. I also have a son who is not living a life I would have anyone live. I have done everything I can think of and finally just had to give it to God. I keep trying to snatch it back though. Bless you for all you give to others. Carline
Wow Bonnie I love how the quilt is coming along! I love to see your hand quilting and how great you make your wonderful solid quilts! WHo cares how "they" find the quilting...it's wonderful!
Love from France xxx
More big hugs coming your way. It is difficult right now - but usually comes good in the end. All the things you taught him when he was younger will eventually be remembered. Remember it's difficult for him too - but he does have to accept the consequences of his actions (or inactions) and he does need to accept the house rules. Remind him that he decides the type of person he wants to be - it doesn't 'just happen'.
Hugs - Shari
I think I recall you saying that the boy is ADD? If so, depression often accompanies it. It is very difficult to get young males (or any male) to accept and take meds for depression.
Rules are not just for children, they are for the parents also. You and your DH need to set rules for yourself to follow ie: what behavior is allowed and what isn't in your home.
One way of looking at it is this:
My child is a guest in my home and needs to conduct themselves accordingly.
And as always, pray like everything depends on God and work like everything depends on you!
Bonnie,
Stay strong; you're not alone. I think eventually we all go through this period. It's unfortunate but They do come out on the other side.
I think I need new glasses. When I first saw the picture of the cat, I thought that she was covered with snow. On second glance, I saw that it was a calico.
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