Leaving Phoenix

I’ve been thinking since yesterday morning how I was going to write this post.

Flipping through the random photos I’ve taken by phone, and deciding that each photo has it’s own story, and that if I just let the photos do the talking for me, to give me the prompt, the words will come.

This leaving is the hardest leaving I’ve ever had to do in my life to date.

We are trying so hard to concentrate on the joys, the positives, the wondrous, the silly, the good times.

“When life gets tough, and you feel like you have reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on…”

And we’ve found that if we tie our ropes together, we can also help each other hold on, and catch those that seem to be slipping due to grief and sadness, and help hold on for them.

So happy to have even a couple of hours with my sister Joy before she had to leave.

Siblings and spouses have been slightly over-lapping arrivals and departures so there is always someone there to help Mark & Sharolyn, and we get to hug and love and hold each other up as well…Joy and her hubby Mark left a couple hours after I arrived – needing to get back to their kids as the school year is starting.

It is crazy busy in everyone’s life – and we just do what we can and understand that life doesn’t just STOP.  We have to work with and accept the variables.

Niece time before Ashley heads to School.

She is a Sophomore this year – driver’s license is 2 months away!  OH BOY!

At this time I am still living without a suitcase – they sent it home to Greensboro instead of to Phoenix.  I told Greensboro to hold it for me, I’d pick it up last night when I arrived home.

Did they listen?  NO!  As of last night, my bag is in Phoenix.

The even stupider thing – had they called me to let me know (They had my number and were supposed to!) I could have picked up when I got to the airport yesterday and rechecked it through myself.  BUt no – it’s lost in the system.  It is supposed to be here today.  I leave for Pennsylvania tomorrow.  This is just asinine.  And another story all together.

Phoenix from the rental car parking lot.

Things that kept us laughing – and good for the soul.  My dad arrives at the airport to pick me up at baggage claim (where I find I have no bag) and lets me know that we need to get a rental car because the a/c on his has gone out and it is 108 outside.  No problem!  Off to get a car we go.  We dropped his off at the car fix it place on our way back to his house, we have my car to see us through the next 4 days -

My early morning walks allow me time to think, reflect, cry, and work toward acceptance.

I was out about 6am every morning – mostly because I was already awake very early due to time change issues.  It’s an 8 hour difference between London and Phoenix.  I’ve been totally upside down so sleep patterns have been crazy as well.  I love this photo – it’s monsoon season in Arizona – take a look at that sky.

I sew when I can in the wee small hours -

Trying not to wake anyone else up.

Another morning walk, reflecting the silos – a Gilbert AZ icon.

And another walk.

Life is such a delicate balance. I just loved watching this bird take flight with such grace, almost no effort, no worry. It just spread its wings and soared.

Maybe when we leave this life, we do the same thing – our spirit just rises from this earthly existence and just soars away.

Niece girly girl time, and pedicures!

There is more than one way to get your homework done!

Can you tell we are related by our toes?

I felt the girls needed a break.  A bit of pampering.  Some girl time.  I love these girls so much!

I wonder what he is dreaming while he sleeps.

May his dreams be filled with all of our times together, our shared memories of our growing up years – we talked of many of them while we were together.

His voice is barely a whisper now, I put my ear to his mouth to capture and save every word he sends my way.

Mark, you are so much more than my brother -

You were my first best friend.

We share the same DNA – you will always be running through my veins, as long as I live. There is so much left to say.  It was so very hard to leave.

Saying goodbye for what might be the last time in this life is so very hard, no matter what your belief or faith system is. The longing for more time, more hugs, more smiles, more memories is universal to all.

I will be back in 3 weeks and yet so much can happen in that span of time it already feels like an eternity.

Watching my elderly parents (though they would deny that they are at that stage yet!) go through the process of losing their very vibrant son is excruciating.

I fight feelings in waves, minute by minute, hour by hour.

Helplessness is replaced by hope rushing in. Fear of loss replaced by moments of love and joy and deep connection. Regret replaced by the knowledge that love and forgiveness and acceptance are what we all need as human beings to bind so many wounds.

"Thank you for coming. I love you so much. " he softly whispers into my ear, the loudest he can muster.

Tucking him in to say goodnight I whisper back, "Sleep sweet little brother, I love you more. I will be back in three weeks. "

"I love YOU more...." he says, the game from childhood bringing a smile to us both.

Mark hasn't left us yet, but I am feeling deep pain at having to leave him and I don't know if I will be seeing him again.

Still - as of this minute he is still with us. I am just grieving his imminent loss.

Yesterday morning’s walk.

I was numb flying home.

I feel fairly numb this morning – and the truth is, I barely care that my suitcase is in Phoenix, or partway back, or the fact that I have an appointment to have my car maintenance done so I can drive to Pennsylvania tomorrow.

Jeff met me at the airport and helped me through the meltdown at the baggage claim office.

He took me to breakfast.

I have a Chiropractor appointment this morning.

Jeff said he’d take the car in for me this afternoon so I can pack for tomorrow.

I’m at the point of just DO THE NEXT THING.

I wait for the phone to ring, for a report of how today is going.

Quiltville Quote of the Day.

Vintage quilt from the American Museum in Bath, UK.

Right now my home is with Mark – in my heart.